The thought of “I Want To Die” is the second negative thought of the PTO Project I decided to write about. While I was writing about this, I started to doubt if I was doing the right thing by writing at all. Some friends and family were starting to tell me to shut up…I don’t think any of them have ever been depressed. When you are at rock bottom, any little thing that brings a bit of light into you is welcomed desperately. I know I’m not a medical professional, but I am someone who is struggling on her own journey to find some air before I drown in the shallow waters of depression. You can’t drown in shallow waters unless you sink down and stay there. Doesn’t help when people are beating you with clubs all the time.
Other friends and family tell me that I’m courageous to let people know how I’m feeling. But I don’t feel any courage. What I do feel is the need to throw a rope out to others because the darkness is a horrible place to be. However, I have to be in a good place before I can help anyone else. I am not the best writer in the world and maybe not the worst (though I’ve been told I am a horrible writer…sigh…) but I think my semi-optimistic messages come across somewhat. I’m an introvert at heart and it is difficult to pry words out of me. In a world where extroverts are prized, my confidence is shattered constantly in many aspects of my life.
My Chinese doctor told that when I do good only for myself it is being selfish, I have to do good to others in order to make the world a better place. I just hope that in sharing my story that it will help at least one other person out there.